Everything feels different today!
There's no doubt this job gets me down. I go home feeling restless, listless and purposeless and after over a year of that, it can wear you down. But I feel God continually supporting me.
Just yesterday I received a call about Co-ed bathrooms in which both genders were allowed into multiple stalls. It got me thinking the rest of the day just how saturated our world is with gender dysphoria and conflicting morals. It seemed insurmountable. It seemed as if the world was surrounding me and my future children with sharp opinions and stabbing remarks. I felt smothered and completely outnumbered. I felt entirely motivated by fear to do what the world wanted me to do. To use improper pronouns, to say certain things were okay when they weren't, to support, essentially wickedness. I felt I couldn't say an opposing opinion. It got me really scared bout raising my kids in this world and the challenges and opposition they would face and I felt inadequate to lead them through it. I felt scared for what it would do to them and how it would influence them. It got me to the point where I was feeling that I didn't want to bring kids or teach them in this world at all.
This feeling was felt for a couple of days. I expressed it to my friend Brownie and she listened kindly. It was nice to have a friend to express this feeling of spiraling, of wandering of loss. Because I felt this way until this morning when I finished Redwall. (Which BTW, is a marvelous book. Almost a perfect book! It set up some perfect things that finished so satisfyingly at the end, and had some conclusions that were both ingenious and interesting. Fantastic timing, such lovable characters, epic hero, fantastic world.)
A marvelous book, Redwall. I'm not saying it was the reason for it. In fact, I've been watching Muppets (innocence) and Clan of the Cave Bear (age) and I feel they contribute as well. Also, Atlantean and I have made a goal of actually reading scriptures at night and already the difference is felt drastically. I got up this morning and finished Redwall and then came to work, and I just feel elated! I feel like I could be a hero! Make a difference! I feel like myself again! I feel as if I want to do things, accomplish things, go outside, see the world, interact with people again! Its a second sail under my wings! It fades now, but I was so glad to have it. So glad to feel it. Feel ... alive again. It's crazy how adults warn you about these feelings, but they really are true. It feel my valleys and mountains continue to get more and more drastic and I wonder why God is doing that. My soul currently longs for the outdoors, when I'm out there, God feels near. I feel content and where I'm supposed to be, I feel in His presence, I feel peace.
I should also probably update you on the day to day life things. Atlantean and I bought a car! A big muddy brown box of a Scion that is, kind of officially, my first car. It was a fast process and we probably should have put more thought into it, but we'd been considering it a while, and she's worked remarkably for us thus far. I no longer have to walk to work, which is much better considering I severely hurt my foot on our Seattle trip for our first year Anniversary. (Where we sailed a sail boat, blacksmithed a knife out of a horseshoe, experienced Virtual Reality and went to the Museum of Popular Culture to see a superhero exhibit!) I also have an infected toe. So Murky (as we have dubbed her) has been my salvation. This morning I attempted to put two bobbleheads on her, but the she and the ticky-tack would have none of it.
We have already got most of our Christmas shopping done, although we got a surprise check when we officially had no more money. We were looking at two weeks with 90$ to our name. We would not have made it without that surprise check.
I currently have the goal to finally finish all the books next to my bed. The trick is I always focus too hard on the library books that I forget that I have aligned an entire army of books I own for me to read, and I'm trying to make those more of a priority.
We recently finished the Christmas party for our ward that we have been working on for a couple months now. Atlantean was a mean old neighbor in the story book we told (and acted out) and I was an elf who kind of MCed. Our Santa showed up a little late, apparently they got his suit mixed up and had to run back to get the right one, so it was a good thing I have done children's theatre in the past, as I kept them entertained with games. All in all, super fun and everyone gushed about how good we were to work with. It's nice to hear.
Atlantean and I want to move to Logan in September. I want to go back to school. So the goal is to raise $6,000 before then to pay for the minimum of two semesters. I wanted to plan for trips to go up there and investigate jobs and apartments.
Currently trying to work on the next musical but Spriggan is not even giving me the time of day...
Have a goal to complete, like, eight scripts (which sound small, but you gotta work hard for them) in like six days. I'm currently on the third to last crucial one. It's been a journey.
I don't know if I already mentioned, but I am going to try and do kickboxing this upcoming year and Atlantean is going to do sword fighting basics course. They're both 5-6 classes long. We also want to start LARPing and having one service project for other people per month. I'll work on that :)
~Nymph
