November 13th

Five days.

My feelings are ranging from AAAAAAAAH! To ah, finally.

You know what, that's kind of a lie. It's also just kind of what I've been telling people because I think it's what they expect to hear. I actually have been pretty calm so far. We've had seven months to mentally prepare. I don't honestly think I'm freaking out, I'm just ready for the occurrence of the event. Though, I must admit sometimes it's a little nice to be marrying the man I'm marrying because even last night, we walked each other through the wedding night, and just simple things we need and want to be done, because I'm getting a little nervous. A lot of communication. It's vital, and he's really good at it, and guys - I'm marrying the best one.
Also, I'm starting to get nervous about the life after marriage - because, honestly, I don't think I gave it enough thought.... It's all - get to the wedding, get to the wedding, and I guess (and I still find it difficult) the thoughts of life afterward are not coming as easily to me. I've lived a very cushy life, and recently, my life has been extra cushy because all I have to do is wake up, waste time, go to work and waste time until Atlantean gets home. My mom makes food, she's currently in charge of a lot of the wedding stuff, etcetera, etcetera. I don't do much in life right now and I feel like it's all switching on a dime, and I feel completely unprepared. It's not only a big life commitment, I also don't feel like I've mentally prepared enough for it in a lot of ways. I guess I'll have to just charge into it with whatever I had. Moving up to USU wasn't that hard, or not as much as I remember. I figure it will be hard in many ways, namely in that it won't have a deadline like a semester or anything, but I think it's definitely something worth being brave for, and having Atlantean by my side will make all the difference.

I'm also currently working on writing and memorizing a speech I want to present to Atlantean, but I can't seem to find the motivation, and I keep telling myself that it's not ready, or not good enough and I always want to change it because it literally does not seem to truly convey what I truly feel for him. And he said he expects to cry, so there's a part of me that really wants to make it like, AMAZING or something, but I only have what I wrote one day in the heat of the moment, and while it's not bad, like not at all (it's even really good) There's a part of me that just believes it to be so insufficient and even kind of dumb. I guess I'll have to work through those feelings because the worst thing you've ever written is better than the best thing I've never written.

Other than that, we recently had kind of a cool endeavor. Instead of going over to Pixie's house to have a game night like on other Sundays, we bailed for the third time at the last minute (which we're the worst for) and my family agreed to read my musical script and listen to the music. They loved it! Each person in my family got a role and had a lot of fun. My dad played the King and made him have a nasally pathetic voice and Atlantean was Father Huntsman with a deep voice. I think they really enjoyed it, since afterward, they laughed about each scene and had no bad critiques. My dad told me which characters read "the clearest" and Wolfman leaned into the accents of funny characters and my sister Mermaid playing the main character (instead of me - I switched us at the last minute) to see  how she read - and she did it phenomenally. I was very pleased with the outcome, even if I felt just a little silly singing along to my own songs when I didn't know them perfectly. I'd have my family scroll down to the bottom, where the lyrics are and then play Spriggan's music and sing along lightly to where I knew the tune to be. Spriggan is apparently struggling academically currently, so this apparently is his savior, kind of a release as the end of the day. I did feel very inspired to start writing it now. Though whether that's because of my job or because of timing (maybe both) or God's instruction, I guess I'll  have to find out in the next life. But I do enjoy the fact that I am on my way to having something I could actually produce on a stage.

This morning my mom and I also went around and dropped off pasta to all the women who agreed they would be okay with making it. Five pounds to each woman. Everyone keeps saying we won't even need all of it, but I think it's way better to be safe than sorry. Also, I need to keep busy. I can also kinda feel Satan working overtime. I love Atlantean and I want to start getting a little friskier, but getting so close to the wedding day is so easy to just let lines slip. We will have to be extra vigilant and obedient this week in order to wait and not throw away so much time and effort and really have what we want when we are finally legally and lawfully allowed to have it. It is hard, I will testify of that, especially since we're talking so much about it because it is becoming a real occurrence very soon.

Speaking of weddings, my friend who I saw at work recently had her wedding. I went with Atlantean and stayed the entire night, and my dear dear Atlantean came out onto the dance floor and danced with me, every dance move we knew. We were spectacular, fantastic, on fire, alive. I loved it. And I was so glad he was willing to just stand there and sway or to pick me up or to just rock to the music. He stayed with me. Never thought an ounce for himself. Gave himself over to the dance floor and gave it a shot. The wedding was nice. It was Anne of Green Gables themed, and had a lot of cute frills and quotes, and I started to feel a little nervous about what exactly our reception is going to look like with our odd theme and our large room. I get a little nervous. I also get nervous about how our dance floor will turn out. Everyone says it will be fine, but even Sarah and Ben's was kind of sparse. (admittedly, the music wasn't amazing dancy music) There was even an old guy swinging everyone around on the dance floor who seemed to be enjoying himself so much that when the time actually came for us to send off the bride and the groom, he complained loudly to the crowd that he wanted better songs and more music. I thought it was a very cute wedding - but very traditional.

I will tell y'all that Dryad and I finally found some lingerie. Once again, she is a wonderful friend to go shopping with, she was so patient and gave me honest opinions. It had constantly been No, No, No until we found this one and then we just knew it was a good one. The difficulty was being in the adult store that we went to. I thought I could withstand it, especially since I'm a woman and a lot of the pornographic images that converge in stores like that really started getting to me. Even that night, as I watched Waltzing videos to get anymore ideas about our waltz and what we could do, but I noticed I was focusing on the shape of the woman's bodies way too much. Pornography is a real problem and can not be simply "avoided" due to whoever you are or whatever you've been through. Do not look at pornography. But we did find a comfortable piece of lingerie in which I felt safe. So although I will not be revisiting that store anytime soon since I hated the vibe I received from it from the beginning, but I'm glad we found what we did. Because, ladies (and not that I've even had sex yet) but it is important to wear something that you are comfortable in, and feel safe. These tight sexy, red, black lace, whatevers, can cause fear, I think. Maybe I'm speaking only on my own behalf, but I feel much safer in the one Dryad bought me. (which apparently she saved up for, she's hard on cash, which - how sweet is that??)

Anyway. Need to stay good.
Nymph