November 30th

Hey guys! We're almost out of the woods here! Last day of November!
Just a couple things I want covered:

Finances.

Last night, on our way home, I asked Atlantean if we could drive down State Street to show him something Siren and I had seen when we had seen Coco on Tuesday (which is REALLY good BTW- I didn't think the music would get stuck in my head but it REALLY HAS. And the plot is great and the characters are adorable and I highly recommend it! But do be warned of the 20 minute Frozen short in front of it. It was only because I had been pre-warned by family and the internet, so I was prepared and it was actually pretty adorable). But the thing on State Street that I had really wanted to show Atlantean was this graveyard full of giant Christmas light orbs. They were just these giant glowing orbs all over this graveyard. And being the awesome guy my husband is, he suggested we get out and walk around in them. While it took us a while to find a place to park and actually access the graveyard, when we got to the graveyard, we parked and then Atlantean started talking about how he'd like more money.

Now that sounds really bad lol, but I was recently talking about how when we get the chance on Saturday, we should go to Target and use up some of our many giftcards on things I thought we needed, like umbrellas or grilled cheese makers, but Atlantean stopped me when we parked the car and said, "What about what I want?" And I guess he felt left out of the loop and not in charge or even participatory in the finances. And I mean, he's not wrong. I've kind of taken over hoarding the money and keeping track of where the money's going for now. He made a good point, and we talked about finances and our concerns and observations. We were both very honest, stating what we thought should be done. He had had expectations that we would have some extra fun money when we got all this money from the reception, but I had been under the impression that we were going to save it. I felt begrudging and I didn't like feeling that way, but I did not want it to be a "dish it out" when he "deserved" it. This is a partnership and we both need to feel like we are on equal ground, especially when it comes to money. Now, I do think things will change a little bit when we actually get our bank accounts in order, which can't be too far away, right? But there are certain parts of me that feel one way like, "I like being in control of the money" and "I'm good at it anyway" versus the other part of me that makes me feel like a mother and not a wife and that wants him to take a much larger part of finances.
I suppose we'll just have to see where it settles. I just want him to have specific things he wants to buy so we can discuss them, and I know if I just hand him over some fun money, he'll be appreciative, but will feel guilty, and that doesn't feel right. I think he wants both of us to want some extra fun money and to use it up, to want it. I just want to get him through school. I'm okay with waiting. And I honestly don't need a lot of fun, but he might need more of a transition period, because he does like buying fun stuff, and I'm so honored and proud and flattered that he's gone with my crazy financial plans so far, which are honestly very bare minimum. But I have to consider him. He's been so good, only spending money on gas for over three or four months now, that's so amazing! I just wish he felt more appreciated. We just got to the conclusion that he loved what I was doing (though he may have just been being nice, but I think I'm doing well too) and that he was exercising his right as the man to grumble. I still want him to feel better about being included in finances.
I think I was just kind of heartbroken that he felt left out and then realizing that what he was saying was true, that I had been kind of controlling and just taken over. I made excuses with our timeline, and I really do think waiting a little bit for things to settle with money for us to really understand where it's all going or coming from. He'll be able to start full time, we'll both be able to keep an eye on the bank account and hopefully both feel equally accountable.
I just want this to work out, and it's really kind of distressing me. I've never had to have a completely equal partner, and losing control or not knowing where our money is going or not having a backup plan and not having the money scares me like none other. I want to be in control, because I trust myself. But I HAVE to learn to trust him.
Anyway. Thanks for letting me write this all down, I really think this has helped me work through some of my feelings regarding it all.

Other than that, I do also want to go on a quick tangent of what I've been reading, which is the Urban Farm Handbook, which is really blowing me away with how efficient it is at helping laypeople who have no idea what they're doing. I started with the winter chapter and it talked about grains and it got me thinking and really excited to some day have a farm and buy and eat locally, and I'm taking my first steps toward that today by visiting my local market which actually happens to be on my walk home! I'm actually excited because all of these recipes that I received from my bridal shower are all missing mainly perishable ingredients, and I'm going to try to find the two perishable ingredients there today and try and make the dish using local ingredients! I'm looking for ground beef and cottage cheese. We'll see  how lucky I get. There's a part of me that thinks they might not be there, but a girl can hope! I could access locally grown food and all on my way home! The proposition of this just makes me excited :) and I'm trying to take the necessary steps toward furthering my dream by starting small!

Excited for what's to come!
~Nymph