March 23

I almost hesitate to write. It's been a couple experiences this week, but I'm still kind of in the middle of one.

Yesterday I took a full shift because my coworker was sick. So I had a book from the library recommended by my coworker called Go Ask Alice, which is a first person account told in journal form about a girl's descent into drug addiction. I knew it would be a rough read. And it was absolutely WILD how the girl's language would change between her addiction and her recoveries, which happened time and time again. I wanted to read it to become more educated and to really delve into a world driven by forces such as those, and I feel more educated for it.

But last night, as I tried to sleep, I felt fear creep into my stomach, and evil spirits or thoughts whirling around the room. I thought to turn to Atlantean, but I resisted the thought multiple times, and the fear increased, to a point where right before I did turn to Atlantean, I felt my stomach become hard, it was difficult to move and I felt as if I went to sleep or opened my eyes, I would see scary black personages and frightening things, and I didn't want to do that. So I finally buried my head in Atlantean's back and started crying. He woke up and held me and asked me what was wrong. He said a prayer and then he turned me over so I could sit and he gave me a blessing. It was one of the most powerful blessings I have ever heard or received. He said that my Heavenly Father blessed me and with fervency, he said He wanted me to REST. He told me how there are guardians upon guardians who love me and will not let ANYTHING beyond the necessary trials of mortal life harm me. He told me that among those guardians were my unborn children. He later said that he felt the strong presence of boys who will love their mommy. He thought it was amazing that we already had a story to tell our children who are not yet born. In the blessing, he also said that Heavenly Father wished to bless me with so much more than Atlantean was physically capable of handling, so he left it off with that. When he stopped, I felt peace. But not like a wave, just as a state of being. I just sat up in bed and looked around the room and leaned back on his chest and thanked him. I felt that room was so clean. Even in every night time, I usually felt very much confined to my bed, not wanting to venture into shadows or have to go to the bathroom in the dark, but I tell you I saw that room as a very safe and very clear space. I told Steven I could've danced around the room and felt fine. I fell asleep with no problem and woke up in the morning very rested.

I wanted that recorded. Atlantean and I talked about how we wouldn't mind being parents. In fact, we can actually both get kind of excited about it. This is kind of my personal journal. I felt that God was not telling me to not read the books, but this was a warning (not that it was sent by Him, just a byproduct of the exposure) of what the consequences would be. I am so grateful that I have a worthy, loving husband who holds the priesthood and is not afraid to exercise it, and is not ever burdened or annoyed by me waking him up with the need for his help. He is a good good man, and I have married him, bound him to me for all of time and eternity, and I couldn't be more lucky.

I read Jay's Journal this morning, which was essentially the sequel, but was about a different story, of a boy's joining a cult. I found out shockingly as he mentioned things like, "President Oaks" "Relief Society" and even "Gadianton robbers" that he was Mormon! I grew a little more scared, because it was easy to think these stories took place over seas in Europe or something, but even reading it and thinking it was so close to me made me a little fearful. I am now reading Stephen Colbert's I Am America (And So Can You!) which is funny, and will hopefully lighten me up.

I have noticed in these two journals two things - one, how much they know the truth. These are not stupid kids. Even though they are making rash and scary decisions, they seem to always come back to their journals with the hard truths, like "My parents are right" or "Maybe this punishment is good for me."
Two - how much they want help. How much they want to reform, get better, tell someone everything, and be free. I was surprised by how much it seemed to hurt them to keep it to themselves. I don't think I'll ever forget Jay's entry about his Aunt trying to talk to him about it, and him being very rude. He writes in his journal about it, but then the next entry, he feels bad and says if she asks again - he'll lay it in her lap! Then he'll be free! But his Aunt tells his parents who get mad before he can, and he becomes closed up again. I was surprised by the lack of communication between parents and child. Not that it wasn't there, but it wasn't stated by the child often.

Other than that (I'll get off this topic) I've been going to water aerobics with my mom and while a lot of the older women there just kind of bob around on their noodles or socialize, if I just look behind me, there's my mom, giving it everything she's got. Looking completely ridiculous, determined and adorable.
Sometimes makes my day thinking about her waggling her legs in the water.

Wolfman came over yesterday and I let him play Armikrog and he finished it, and he helped us make dinner. I set Wolfman on the biscuits, Atlantean on the ribs and me on the apple strudel pie. It was fun :) and the dinner was great - those ribs were to die for!! Atlantean did a great job, though we set the smoke alarm off multiple times. It became Wolfmans job just to stand beneath them and turn them off when they went off again. We opened windows, turned the microwave vent on hight and Atlantean poured water on the grill to cool it off. We finally got them to turn off. We have very testy smoke alarms.

And I have D&D tonight! So not only do I have a girl coming for the first time like ever (and I barely know her but would like to) but I have a semi-semblance of a plot who I constantly feel like I'm attempting to cram combat into. I'm so story-based! But I have the next ark kind of set out. I love telling stories.

I love my husband. He's been excited to get up with me in the morning. I made
(Also, lately he's been taking his pill later, so he's much more self-assured, confident, mature, and well... attractive at night. Lately he had been more anxious. So he's been taking it later for me...)
~Nymph