January 18th

So I'm kind of hurt.

I don't think I'm a person who gets easily offended, but I'm just sitting here kind of wounded, kind of hurt, and I just think I need to talk about it a little bit.
My sweet, sweet mother-in-law took me to work today and yesterday because once again our car is in the shop and she's been kind enough to set aside the time to do so. Let's get one thing straight. My mother in law is an incredible person. Incredible. She constantly gives of herself and never thinks anything of it. I don't even think she lives her own life at this point. On top of taking care of a (semi) grumpy, hangry, extremely ambitious, constantly overworked, constantly tired and sick husband and an aging mother who is in some last stages of dementia, she also babysits almost full time for Jinn and takes care of Unicorn almost constantly. The woman never thinks of herself. She's humble, she gives and gives and gives and gives. This was actually one of the reasons I think I'd been a little hesitant to ask her for a ride.
On our ride over, we just chatted periodically, and then she said something to the affect of, "You know, father-in-law and I were talking about you, and we were just saying that while you don't have a baby and while you're working part time, it's nice for a woman to have a skill or trade to fall back on and we were just talking about how it would be good for you to maybe look into getting one of those one or two-year degrees."
I tried to take it on the chin good naturedly and asked her if she had any suggestions since I'd been looking into a lot of them, but she didn't know. I tried to shrug it off, since it seriously was a concern, I'm sure. It's a common thing parents think about their children. I get it.
But then I just got really hurt by it, and I'm trying to analyze why.
I think it's the fact that I feel like they're ashamed of me. They see me sleep into long hours, they ask if I'm getting full time work. They see us go off to have fun, how I sometimes have attitude at family gatherings, how we obviously aren't currently having children, etc. I know they're good people, but I feel like she was judging me, wondering whether I was going to do something with my life. And I just felt kind of defeated because education is expensive, and I felt like  I'd been educating myself these past two years, but I guess I really hadn't, because I still had no degree. I could have had a degree by now. Heaven knows I've had the time. Just not the money, and I never seemed able to find a degree that suited me or called to me. I don't know why, but I'm also ruing God a little bit. Why didn't the perfect degree fall into my lap? Why, after all these years of searching and trying to educate myself, was I still not useful to society, to my husband, to my family? I had tried to not let this job dim my spark, and I constantly felt like I was wasting my time, but now on top of that, I was being gently chastised for not going through with it. I'm not mad at my mother-in-law in the slightest, because she's right. But it still just kinda hurt.
I'm starting to think maybe I should just settle for a degree and just go with it even if I don't particularly like it. It's scary that this is coming in a time of where both Atlantean and I are feeling kind of baby hungry. Have I really thrown away all my chances? Is it just going to become impossibly hard from here? Is there no way to do this but to go into crippling debt, forcing us to stay at home on most weeknights because we have no money to do anything fun whatsoever?
I just never thought a family so forgiving and loving was thinking that about me. And I feel a little chastised.
I guess I thought I was starting to do well, but not in the world's eyes of degrees and applied sciences. I knew that. I guess I felt that I could rely in the Lord to help Atlantean have the good jobs and for me to make up the difference in so-so jobs along the way. I'm an intelligent person, I really am and I loved school when I was in it, but I felt like I'd been looking. I felt like I'd been trying.
It just turns out I still have nothing to show for it.
And... it's not a good feeling.

I don't want to go crying to Atlantean about this, because I feel like I've been doing that a lot lately, and the poor man doesn't need to have me throwing myself at him every time a single thing goes wrong. I'm such a victim with him because he lets me be. It's wonderful and a safe place to be, but I want to be better and stronger than that.
I guess I could blame it on my period. Which is kind of cool, because I actually might be having a period now. This morning there was some blood. Which means, the medication, might? be working! Which once again brings us back to the baby question, which now has been muddled a little by my mother-in-law's comment. I also kinda figured when I was home alone with the baby is when I could start doing online school when I got bored. I still don't know on what though, that's the hard part.
I'm sorry for this rambling, I guess I just needed to work through this, and  I do feel better.
I guess I could say, "I'm doing me and figuring myself out," but gall I hate that excuse. And while I'm getting education elsewhere, in this world, it just doesn't compare to a degree. So I don't know if should make excuses or just feel a little ashamed. A little of both I think. It's not a sin to reevaluate and feel guilt every once in a while. As long as you do something about it.

Yesterday was crazy. We had a bomb threat at Jordan High that the school was evacuated for, so I was taking calls on the limited information as it trickled in at parents who were authentically concerned. I only had two mean calls out of probably a hundred, which was nice. The lady from Communications who is supposed to prepare us for this stuff, quickly sent out an email with a single line of information and then came running down the hall yelling, "Activate the phone tree!" Thankfully, I had seen the email and was already ahead of her. I didn't put the receiver down from my ear for thirty minute stints for about three hours. Even when my screen went blank, I just waited a couple seconds, because I knew there would be more coming soon. I felt pretty good because the ladies on the phone tree commented later that I was picking them up so rapidly that they hardly could get to most of them. I was really trying to get to each person individually, taking as many as I could, and trying to take my time to explain to them as well as I could and not rushing. I felt like some kind of leader, ruler, queen that was trying to assure my people, one at a time of the situation and what I knew.
Then, that night, Atlantean and I canceled both of our classes and stayed home. He willingly read half my script and actually liked it. We're deciding whether I'm going to try to pull it off this summer, and the main question I was asking was whether or not kids could pull of what I'd written. He seemed to like it. He actually said he liked the names, which are a big concern, because I know the kids are going to make fun of them. I am having trouble working with my songwriters, both of which are not getting back to me as fast as I would like.
I also volunteered to work at ESL center, which is an English Second Language place I would like to try and teach at. I thought that might be a nice skill, and I've always been interested ever since I found out about it when Brownie was looking for places to volunteer. The baby question is still up in the air, though even Atlantean is getting a little hungry lately. And I would still love to do some fun stuff this year, like WWOOF after ESL as well. Anyway. Just dreams. Babies would change all of that.

~Nymph